I love December.
I love live Christmas trees and hot cocoa. I love The Santa Clause movies, and I love all things red and green and gold. I love reading our stash of Christmas books and watching all the Christmas specials on TV with the kids. I love shopping this time of year, and I love taking that photo on Christmas Eve of a big pile of presents in front of the Douglas Fir we’ve decorated with a million ornaments each with its own story and special spot.
I love everything about December … except when I don’t.
This year Josh is deployed, and everything I love about this month, everything I am normally so completely over-the-moon about … well, it just isn’t the same.
The girls and I had a great time choosing a Christmas tree, and man did we pick a beauty! The day was sunny and brisk, and the views spectacular! I couldn’t have asked for a nicer day! But all the while I couldn’t help but think … Josh always chooses a Douglas Fir, the tallest one he thinks he can get away with. I’m sure he’d find the very best one. Wish he was here.
Then a few weeks ago we drove down to Point Defiance Zoo to wander about the beauty of Zoolights. It was amazing! I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many lights in one place! The night was chilly but clear and lovely! Awesome! But .. the whole time I felt just a little bad to be enjoying something without him, to be sharing it with another family instead of as a complete family. I couldn’t help but think … Will he be sad when he hears of yet another thing we’ve done without him? Does it bother him as much as it bothers me?
It doesn’t help that Alli has really caught on to daddy being gone this time. Will Daddy cut our tree? Can we save some cookies for Daddy? Is Daddy coming home on another tomorrow?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m still enjoying the season. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t truly enjoy our Polar Express Movie Night or that I didn’t tear into our Christmas decorations like a crazy person just like I do every single year. I did! I really did, and I will continue to enjoy all our holiday traditions with the same gusto I always do, but I can’t pretend that I wouldn’t have enjoyed all those things just a bit more if Josh were here.
If he were here to choose the tree …
If he were here to see the lights …
If he were here to snuggle with on a cold will-it-snow kind of night …
I still love December. I still love carols and cookies and street corner Santa’s. I still love ALL the hoopla of the holidays.
I just wish he were here to love it with me.