Back on Land

He deploys, and I make a life back on land.

Subspouse Law

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This post is something I wrote a while back on another blog. I’m doing a little housekeeping, deleting some old things I don’t like and PCS’ing (lol) some things that I do like. If you’ve read this before, I hope you enjoy it again. If not, it’s new to you! 🙂

Murphy’s Law states, “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.”

Source

If you’ve ever buttered a slice of bread only to drop it (butter-side down, of course), gotten an itchy nose as soon as you covered your hands in the stickiest substance known to man, or heard a two-year-old say, “Uh-oh, Mommy!” moments before a family picture, you know what I’m talking about.

However, if you are not a submarine spouse, you may not be acquainted with Murphy’s bitchy next door neighbor, Subspouse. Subspouse Law dictates, “Anything that can break, will break … but only while your sailor is deployed.”  Subspouse is quite like Murphy only, instead of bringing a few annoying yet ISOLATED instances, she likes to move herself in to your home for the DURATION of a patrol or deployment.

For instance, I have a friend whose children took turns playing with Subspouse for the majority of one patrol, and that heifer gave each of them a few turns with the flu. Of course, she made sure that they never shared turns. One at a time was her motto that time.

Another friend once confided that as soon as her sailor deployed, Subspouse borrowed her car and commenced to break the alternator, drain the battery, and apparently drive through a nail factory picking up all the free nail-samples her tires could possibly hold.

Subspouse is also sometimes sneaky. She hides in your house, and instead of wreaking complete and utter havoc, she creates minor disturbances so you don’t even know it’s been her handiwork all the time.

Case in point: Me. I was recently lamenting to a friend how much I missed my cell phone (which died in an unfortunate leaky-water-bottle-in-a-leather-purse drowning accident … RIP Celly). My friend asked if my iPod had ever completely recovered (from an-unfortunate-attacked-by-a-water-fountain incident) and remarked that I didn’t have very good luck with electronics. That’s when it hit me.

Subspouse had become a squatter in Casa de His-Theirs-Me without so much as a “Howdy Do” when she entered. Her Reign of Misfortune began on the first day of patrol when, as I was merrily mowing my lawn, a wheel fell off my mower! My husband had been mowing all spring with no problems, but as soon as he’s gone, it literally begins to fall apart? I should have known then that sneaky Subspouse was a foot.

Later during patrol, I took my car in for some routine work. It was then that I saw the remnants of Subspouse past when my mechanic told me what a time they’d had removing a wrong-size thingamajig from the whatchamadosit. It’s a used car whose history I don’t know and they didn’t charge me extra for the trouble, so once again I dismissed it as bad luck.

But during my previously mentioned conversation with sad-for-your-iPod friend, I realized that the entire patrol had been a series of “oh, that’s bad luck!” kind of days.

Let me elaborate.

  • Wheel falls off lawnmower
  • Wrong-size thingamajig from the whatchamadosit
  • Drowned cell phone
  • Drowned iPod
  • Laughs in my face laptop battery
  • Three ruined purses
  • Stolen flip flops
  • Broken door lock
  • Broken hinges

And I’m quite certain there are a few others I’ve dismissed and forgotten because in the mix of so much craziness a few tiny little loony stories are bound to get lost!

Yes, Subspouse has moved in, and to be honest, I think it’s high time she moved on!Fortunately, unlike her friend Murphy, there does seem to be a surefire way to kick Subspouse out. Bring your sailor home. Unfortunately, I have no control over that particular circumstance which just adds a new level of “I miss you so very much!” to every email I send to my husband.

At least now I know that sneaky bitch is around so I can be on the look out for her work. Sometimes when you knows she’s visiting, you can head her “fun” off at the pass.

So, Subspouse, be warned!!! I’m on the lookout for your shenanigans and will fight you with all the tools in my arsenal. I will fix the breakages and avoid water entirely. I’ll put maintenance on speed dial and program Home Depot into my Garmin. I will not be held hostage by you or your pranks!

As we speak I’m drawing up an eviction notice with your name on it, Subspouse, so packs your bags and move along, little doggie! Perhaps take your misfortunes back to your pal, Murphy, and prank on each other for a while. I know my world could use a break from you and your bad news buddy for while, and I dare say I’m not alone in THAT!

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One thought on “Subspouse Law

  1. Pingback: 5 Reasons Deployment is Awesome | Back on Land

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